No point

Feel the head is spinning around
Feels like should go and hide from yourself
But close your mouth
when you are covered with words
Push yourself hard inside
when your soul
if there is any left inside
is bashing itself to your corpse to make a hole to jump out
But keep the cemetery quiet
No one would ever understand
They have never understood when they need to
History can prove this
No point talking. Keep it with you buddy
There is no one out there with ears
They are all tongues and lips
And they are good with words
Damn good with a huge dictionary
to give you the most appropriate one
that describe your case, better
Depressed, maniac, obsessed, unfaithful
You are the only one knows nothing
Shut the f.. up then
Blend into society

Random accident

There is nothing to expect after this. No one to blame and no other world. It is just a chance, life is only a lucky accident.
It is amazing to be living in an accident. In a random life. It is amazing to be alive. It is amazing to know its history and the philosophy. To think and to learn and to be part of it.
Life becomes beautiful when I see it like this. You become part of the flow. Once, only once, you've got the chance to make it through.
It is sad though in such life some people get used to it so much that forget about all amazing things is happening around them. It is sad some people are so fool they do not realise there are only one lucky accident living in a random planet. It is sad people become superstitious, people become unaware they are treating other creatures like rubbish.
Life is random.
We've only got it through a very rare chance. It happened to be me. It happened to be you. We are a random creature in a very random planet. Everything has happened based on a lucky accident.
Amazing.

Here I go again

I am falling for it all over again.
Not because they want me to, cause I live to think. And I love thinking AND writing.
I am gonna write here again, but this time I am going to enjoy every moment of it and I am going to keep it as a joy, a hobby of self.
And my thoughts... will be exposed here again.

I am a human being, just like anyone else

It's been ages since my last post in this blog. I have written several posts in my Persian blog but not in English one. Maybe that is because of the new changes or "rules" have been established in our life: less cyber life and get a real life folks!
Having said Persian which is Iran's national language, I am NOT one of those Iranians that introduce themselves by their race rather than by their nationality or the name of their country, actualy I kind of feel sorry for them as they bound themselves to the history instead of being themselves. Whatever happens over there, in middle east and Iran, does not make me feel guilty for being born as an Iranian. I did not choose to be Iranian and I am neither proud of the past nor ashamed of the present. To be honest, I am ashamed of politicians' stupidity all over the world as well as in Iran but this does not mean that I have to hide my nationality. I am not afraid of stupid poeple in the world who think Iran is in civil war or does not have snow or people over there are riding camel and do not wear shoes. These idiots should do something serious for themsleves to know a bit more about other "stuff" in the world, not just Mc Donalds and KFC. Anyway to me Persia is not a country in the geographical map anymorere, whether we like it or not and I do not care about anyone who judges or blames me for my nationality. Let's get real, that's what I like most.

Happy new year everyone, will write more in 2008.

Money, money, money

No matter what the subject is, whether it is financial issues, relationship problems, family wise, job promotions, whatever I focus on it, the target keeps going far far away from me. And what I mean by far is something unachievable, impossible and imaginary.
Not sure if it always was like that or things changed since I started noticing. But I clearly remember when we still were in Iran and bought our first “chicken coop” as known as an apartment and we were experiencing tremendous financial shortage. We were stuck deep in mortgage up to our eyeballs. I could not spend money as always. Comparing to other girls I am not spending money that much but I like to treat myself in a way that be free to buy whatever seems reasonable to buy. Reasonable is a broad concept. For me it means price within the income budget excluding the life time expenses like mortgage, electricity bill, etc. Life was getting hard on us at the time. We did not even have a kid and we were just in the fist years of being a family of husband and wife.
I was telling one of the guys at work about our problem and I sounded very stingy I suppose. He told me try to keep my eyes on something else rather than on my financial problems for a while and wait for the miracle. I tried to do so. It sounded helpful at that moment at least because I would not feel bad about being flat broke by keep thinking about it. Did I tell you the guy was my boss? Anyway I focused on my job instead and worked as hard as I could. Staying long hours, working midnight shifts, extra extra extra hours, not asking for anything and not focusing on the financial problem. And miracle started to blossom. I know, I know that financial problems need money to be solved. But the clue is that I was not focusing on the problem but I was focusing on the solution. Working hard in a way not to have free time to spend! That is how the savings accumulate and that was how the mortgage paid off!
Now things are different. New place, new experiences and new life with new mortgage that increases every now and then and on top of that having a school boy with all the new munchables he wants to chew and new toys he wants us to buy. Well we do say no to most of his requests as we do not want to spoil him. But he deserves to be praised with something after all as we, as his parents do not have enough time to spend with him.
I was always thinking about the financial facts and figures since we settled down here. The full time jobs just pay our expenses and mortgage and that is it. No savings to pay extra payments off our greedy loan. And if we are not careful, I mean if Bahram is not careful and does not warn me, the spending rate will be much faster than the savings, if there is any savings left in the month! Want to know the reason? I blame these beautiful plastic gold and silver cards known as “credit” cards. They call them credit but they are actually counted as debts and liabilities in the banking systems. Having these cards available, people are encouraged to spend while feeling free to spend as they do not “see” and “feel” how much cash they are spending. The more the credit limit, the better you feel, the worse you might end up! That was good somehow that we did not have credit cards in Iran.
Well that is the life here what should I do to improve mine? I thought a couple of weeks ago maybe it will help if we put a small amount on investing. There are plenty of options available like buying an investment property, franchise, investment savings, stock market, etc. Even to buy lottery tickets as some people do in our office. Running a business needs an initial factor which is not available for us at the moment. So I started buying lottery tickets. What? Do you think I am not as lucky as that retiree won 4 million jackpots a couple of months ago? This is not an investments? What is it then? If I expect to win something tax free I should spend something as an investment. And do not start arguing with me about that “Halal” and “Haram” topics as for desperate people even telling a lie about the religious or easting snake’s meat is allowed!
Well lottery tickets are a tricky way of investment. You might win a small amount, which happened to me a couple of times. Or you might win a huge load of cash, which is a very rare phenomenon. But who knows? The only way to find out is to buy the ticket.
As it might not happen to me to be the winner that early, I started buying shares in stock market. I opened a broking account and started studying about ASX. Every thing seemed to be pretty normal and MBL was the best option among the others as it was getting better and higher every day. Even my broker suggested it to me as a good option to start. But things are not moving always in a way we want them to. AUD and USD exchange rate moved and gave ASX a big shock. Have you studied stock market changes recently? What happened to it you can blame me for! Since I bought the shares, every chart is heading down! And to my surprise MBL has the worse share free fall these weeks! What the fuck! Thanks God I just put a small amount in shares. Well I was always lucky in my life. Maybe 2007 is not my year. I still have my …. maybe I should finish here? I do not want to lose more!
Life, we keep on planning, keep on losing and keep on spending with the hope to earn more. We buy more to be happier. Eat more to feel better and pay more to "fitness" to shed the extra kilos off to look better. It is a vicious cycle and money has a strong role in this cycle nowadays. Being a migrant makes everything double difficult. But life is not predictable and it will never be. And that is the beauty of life. I am still hopeful, as always.

The eyes

I am not sure when and how these things became "good manner" in our culture. Things like "lower your eyes when you talk to people" to show how polite you are. Or "being shy" as a positive attitude that shows how good your parents raised you. These sort of things. But as long as I remember I have always tried not to look at the eyes of the person who I am talking to. Good or bad I am not trying to judge, this is me. It should not be just a matter of religious cause I remember it since I was a kid and people at that time, I mean almost 30 years ago, where not trying to be "that religious" as they are now.
Imagine how embarrassed I became the first time I noticed every single person in Australia look straight in my eyes when they talk to me. It may sound stupid but I even shivered and trembled when that muscle with his deep-as-ocean blue eyes, spiky hair and smiley face asked me what he could do for me, well he was a cashier in Kmart ! But I had a difficult time! It is hard as it is completely different from what I have done and been told all my life. It is hard to realise that difference as well. Mainly because you are not looking at people while you are talking to them for the first couple of months, probably, and it will take time to notice they are looking at you when they are talking to you! Harder than that is to accept the difference and change your mentality. But whether I like it or not, people here respect confidence. Looking at the eyes is a sign of confidence I never had, or at least this is what I guess. You can't live here and look at the wall or ground when you talk to your colleague. He will think 1) you are crazy 2) you are rude 3) you are insane! No matter how hard you try to convince yourslef that you do not care what people think about you, it will matter how people treat you if you want to socialise with them.

New friends

Next time, if you are going to use "my" words to convince me, remember I hate being played. I will even reject myself to make you think about what I said. Well, I do not become angry or annoyed, I just do it as I do not like to be tricked. And remember I do not like surprises. Being honest and frank is what I like most in friendship. What do you like about yourself or your friends?